Esperanza’s story
Escaping from a Narcissist
The moment is right to tell my story…
Once upon a time I was a confident and happy woman. That changed many years ago. For almost 15 years I was with a man who (initially) was charming, self-confident, and successful at work. Unfortunately, his behaviour towards me soon changed after our wedding 12 years ago. It was as if he had been wearing a mask or I had been wearing rose-colored glasses!
In the beginning we were a dream couple. We married in a castle with a white carriage and had two healthy children. Many people envied me because I didn't have to go to work. But I was the target of my husband’s mood swings. Sometimes I didn't know if he was having a good day or a bad day. He only showed me when he was certain that no one could hear or see us - so mainly within our own four walls.
(self portrait painting by Esperanza)
Everything he had, he called his own. In his eyes, I contributed nothing to our prosperity and deserved nothing from it. So he allowed himself nice clothes, furniture, technology, holidays according to his taste - I was only allowed to accompany him if I did everything right. I was trapped in a lifeless, sad, and most importantly, unequal marriage. I felt trapped in a golden cage.
My self-confidence and self-love got smaller until I didn't even have the strength to decide anything on my own. For everything, I asked for his opinion, his taste, and his permission. I renounced my own opinion and preferred to swallow my words to avoid conflicts and arguments. At some point I just agreed with and allowed everything he wanted.
No matter what I started, it wasn't good enough or right for him. He became a tyrant and blamed me daily for everything that wasn't working in his life.
It took me years to finally understand that it was not my fault. His addiction problems got worse over time - he became depressed, sick and extremely jealous. But he wanted me to stay close to him.
My calls, messages, and mail were monitored. Cameras installed in my apartment and programs even installed on my mobile phone so that I don't do anything ‘stupid’. Even small purchases were checked because he suspected I was cheating.
Four years ago I found a self-help group on the Internet, for and by women with narcissists as partners. I now understood that I was in the hands of a narcissist. How did it all happen? And why me?
I read about it carefully and saw a light - how to get out. But before I could save myself, he interfered in my news group and I lost contact with this group of women. At some point the situation escalated. My heart burst into a thousand and one pieces out of sadness, despair and fear.
But I decided not to look back anymore. Despite enormous fear of its actions, I was able to free my heart from the golden cage. I took the children with me. I hope one day they will understand that it was for our protection.
Once free, I was full of joy and curiosity about the world that had been hidden from me for so long. I finally found protection and security in a magical golden room. My sanctuary, where my thoughts and feelings have finally found their place again.
There were no more bars and no borders for me. It felt like I was alive again. It was a fresh start indeed. The pieces of my heart were lovingly glued together and shimmered more than ever. Now I could laugh again!
I want to close this chapter of my life. I feel freer every day and can finally stand up straight and let the scars on my heart heal. A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your friends, your dreams, or your dignity. Never give up on your dreams! You deserve to get everything you wish. The cosmos will give it to you if you trust your heart.
Thanks to my favourite photographer David Brugman! The photo shoot was lots of fun, even if this topic is not easy for me.